Healing my anxious attachment

I think one of the hardest parts of healing insecure attachment especially if you’ve met a special person and you’re both on your own healing journey is until we’ve done our individual work we can’t be together. As an anxious leaning person I find this particularly difficult, to want someone but know neither you or they are ready and that if you do come together you will hurt each other again. The truth is when we have insecure attachment nobody wants to hurt the other person but that’s what we do, we both act out from wounded inner children that are trying to find safety. Until we heal the wounds of our past, reparent our inner children and allow them to feel safe we can’t actually have a fully conscious emotionally intimate relationship.

I write a lot about love, the vibration of love, I don’t believe it’s something we choose, I don’t believe we can give or receive it, we can only experience it. I believe it’s the most beautiful creationary force in the universe. When it comes along we either go inwards and heal all the blocks, the trauma that’s stopped us for experiencing it or we run from it. The thing about middle age is we can only run for so long, at some point we realise that our defence mechanisms our behaviour doesn’t serve us anymore and won’t bring us what we desire, our past behaviours will stop us from experiencing the one thing we desire to experience the most. Love will bring us back to ourselves, every relationship I believe has a purpose, all have a lesson for us, the most powerful relationships bring us back to ourselves, help us see what we don’t want to look at, they are mirrors into what we need to heal.

I’m in the middle of my healing journey, I’m healing my toxic traits (yes as anxious sufferers we do have toxic traits) and I know until I do I don’t want to inflict my anxiety on another, the beautiful thing about this healing journey is we also learn our worth and self love too and we will no longer accept others toxic traits. It’s a win win situation if we’re prepared to look inwards. To the special person who came into my life, know that I’ve felt a love so deep that it’s broken me in ways that challenged everything I knew to be true. I’m forever grateful for our experience, I don’t know what the future holds but I do know I can no longer allow my trauma responses to hurt you anymore and I can’t allow your trauma responses to hurt me either.

For now I‘m focusing on me, I’m taking the time to be on own, to learn how to give myself everything I’ve always looked outside myself for so as I don’t impose my needs on anyone that comes into my life and I don’t accept less than I deserve. I know the man who will emerge on the other side of this will get everything he deserves and more.