How to find love with insecure attachment

As a child I was never given consistent love, love was conditional, conditional on my caregivers mood, their time, what my emotions were and how I was behaving. Love is a core part of survival as a child and to not receive it unconditionally or consistently was to threaten our existence so what did we do? We modified our behaviour to receive love, we denied our own emotions, we tried to please our caregiver to receive love, we tried to make our caregiver happy to receive love. In the middle of this we didn’t get to learn how regulate our own emotions, we didn’t learn to be with ourselves, we didn’t learn to feel what was going on with us and accept it as normal because we were so focused on meeting someone else’s needs to receive love. So for a child in survival mode love was something we only felt when we behaved, acted or manipulated a person to act in a certain way, we never learned that love was unconditional and that it was within us ourselves, love was something outside of us that we can only receive that was dependant on what was going on for another person.

We took this view of love and we packaged it up and we stored it deep in our nervous system, we subconsciously programmed ourselves with this view of love.

As an adult we started to understand love better, we got glimpses of love throughout our lives, we fell in love multiple times, our partners behaviour matched that of our needs for love, we didn’t need to please, we didn’t need to change our behaviour we didn’t need to manipulate them to feel love from them they were consistent in how they loved us the way we needed to be loved until they didn’t, until the relationship progressed and their childhood trauma started to play out. What do we do, our subconscious kicks in and we dig out the package of behaviours we stored deep in our nervous system, we try to please, we try to control their behaviour we try to manipulate them to act in a certain way to feel love again.

Why??

As kids

We never learned to love ourselves.

We never learned to be with ourselves.

We never learned to feel our own emotions.

We were too busy trying to get the person who was supposed to love us unconditionally to show us love.

In our adult life we will repeat this cycle over and over, go from relationship to relationship and never find the love we deserved as a child, always blaming, always feeling unworthy and undeserving of love and looking outside ourselves for the love we desire.

At some point the pain of not feeling consistent love will get too much, we will get to resent and hate out behaviours and see them as something that doesn’t serve us anymore, we will eventually figure out that how we act in a relationship won’t bring us what we desire and we will eventually figure out what we desire can’t be found in another person.

Love isn’t something that can be given or received, it is an energy to be felt, to be experienced, we realise we got it wrong, we were traumatised to only feel it when it came from another not knowing that it was inside us all along, we just were never given the tools to tap into it as children.

So what do we do about it, we reparent our inner child, we go back and we give our inner child those tools. We clear the blocks unpack the package of behaviours that are sitting in our subconscious / nervous system and we allow ourselves to feel the love inside us that we were all born with.

To do this we must start on a journey, we must go back and start at the start, we must listen to the inner child, listen to their pain, feel their pain with them, listen to their concerns, allow them to experience their emotions, support them on their journey and love them unconditionally, give them the tools and the love to experience the childhood they never had. This will not be easy, our wounded inner children have built up protective barriers around them, we must first deal with these barriers, the things put in place to protect them.

When we do this, we re-programme our nervous system, our subconscious, we remove the blocks and we show our inner child how to experience the love within ourselves that was there all along.

We then can allow love to permeate our bodies we no longer look outside to experience love, we no longer have to please, control or manipulate to get anyone to act in a certain way to feel love. We become love, it radiates through our bodies and we find our true selves.

This is the human condition, this is our journey and our task in this lifetime, to remove the blocks to experience love, our caregivers were only passing onto us what they were given, to remove the blocks in ourselves is to remove generational trauma. It’s to heal ourselves and say it stops here. It goes no further.

I asked the question at the start what is love, love is the universal energy of all creation, love is everywhere and it’s our job to allow it and experience it within ourselves and when we do we can experience it with fully with others.

Love is beautiful.

Love can be painful.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is not.

When the time is right love will come along with all its energy and it will breakdown all the barriers that prevented itself from being experienced. Love chooses us, we have the choice to choose love now.

If we do, then we will find out that we are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

For those of us in relationships, use your relationship to identify your own blocks, start on your journey to remove them and when you do, you allow love to flow.

Love is energy, it can only ever be experienced and is never dependant on another, we can’t remove their blocks, that’s their job. Our job is us!

If we stop looking outside ourselves for love it’s already within us, love will flow when the blocks are removed and our relationships shows us where to look.