Is toxic masculinity a thing?

A phrase that has come into being in recent times, defined by a google search as:

“An attitude or set of social guidelines stereotypically associated with manliness that often have a negative impact on men, women, and society in general”

When we think of “toxic masculinity” we associate it with men. I would like to challenge that thought and the term itself, although I would agree that the behaviours associated with it are more prevalent in men than women. Masculine and feminine energy exists in us all and our job is to balance and embrace our energies. Jordan Peterson when asked about toxic masculinity in a debate, rejected the phrase and rather coined it as sinful behaviour; being careful with your actions so you don’t have to lie about what you do and being honest with your speech. I feel that one thing he said around this which was particularly powerful was to be responsible for yourselves so that no one has to unduly suffer in this world.

As a man I have done things that make others suffer in this world and I take ownership of that, that’s my shadow. I know why I acquired those traits and it goes back to my childhood where I needed these mechanisms to feel safe. It was a survival mechanism I learned to get my needs met because my caregivers were acting in the way they learned to be safe as children themselves.

Why is the phrase “toxic masculinity” associated with men? Simply because as children we were mostly taught boys don’t cry. It has not been socially acceptable for men in western culture to show emotions other than maybe pride and anger. We repress our other emotions and when combined with childhood trauma this manifests in “toxic” behaviours such as distancing, stonewalling, bread-crumbing, bullying, control, manipulation etc or displaying aggression over others in adulthood. This is really a trait adopted to protect a wounded inner child that suffered some kind of trauma at one point in our formative years. Men have two obstacles to overcome, one to release the social constructs to not feel our emotions and then actually feeling them, thats why it’s more prevalent in men and associated with men more than women.

So is “toxic masculinity” unique to only one gender? If it is a “toxic” behaviour brought on by needs not being met as a child, surely then it must also be applicable to the female form as well. Most girls were never told not to cry, most men were, so this heightened the “toxic” traits in men. I have also met women that it was just not safe to cry in front of their caregivers so rather than being told that girls don’t cry, they also locked their emotions up for safety which also results in “toxic” behaviour. So going by the definition above from google it’s not only unique to one gender.

I would like to refute the term “toxic masculinity” completely. Because “toxic” behaviour is more associated with one gender because of social constructs that is termed as acceptable for one gender and not the other. Why should the term even be associated with the beautiful yin yang energy of all creation; the masculine and feminine energy that we all hold? Why do we devalue the masculine energy by adding the “toxic” label to the front of it? Can we get to a point that behaviours that make other people unduly suffer, “toxicity” is not associated with either of our beautiful masculine or feminine energies?

I feel as men we have a harder road to awaken to our true selves than women, because to awaken to ourselves we need to learn to feel our emotions, something that has been drummed into us from childhood that we shouldn’t do, or it wasn’t safe to do. We need to somehow overcome this, we have a double whammy in some cases, even men brought up with good parenting have been taught that boys don’t cry and if this is combined with an unsafe childhood environment then we see the manifestation of behaviour that is attributed to the phrase “toxic masculinity” prevalent within our world today. I would argue that our challenge is to overcome generational trauma in both genders passed down from generation to generation, to heal the wounds that have led to these traits or trauma responses we used as children to keep ourselves safe as I see it now.

When you next hear the phrase “toxic masculinity” ask yourself is this something that’s inherently wrong with this person’s masculine energy or is what you observe a trauma response?

If I can do one thing with my life and use the gifts of my lived experience, it’s to help men overcome their childhood trauma that stops them living a fulfilling life, to help men feel their emotions and to help them overcome the barriers that society and culture has put upon them.

If something can come from this post, I would ask that if you have used or do use the term “toxic masculinity” that you pause and think does this person deserve to have their beautiful energy that they have had to protect labeled with the name “toxic” or are they acting from a place of a wounded inner child. Our men don’t deserve this label anymore than our women, have compassion, understanding for everyone’s journey, men do have a harder path to walk I feel and shouldn’t be shamed because it’s has been conditioned into them not to feel all their emotions and this a bigger barrier for us to overcome when healing childhood trauma.

Whatever path you’re on, wherever you are on your own journey, remember the only way to heal anyone is to heal yourself, nobody can heal anyone else but themselves. Have compassion, kindness and love for others journeys and put yourself first, by accepting behaviours that don’t align with who you are or who you are becoming you are stopping others from looking at themselves. Our job is us, their job is theirs.

Much Aroha

John